DUBLIN, OH—Luke Donald, the newly-minted world's No. 1 golfer, found himself on the receiving end of non-stop phone calls, aggressive come-ons, and outright groping from hordes of sexually deranged women less than an hour after the world golf rankings were announced Monday. "Everyone knows that the world's top-ranked golfer is one of the most sought-after men on the planet, but I had no idea it would be like this…I've hardly been able to sleep," Donald said at a press conference Thursday which was periodically interrupted by throngs of flushed, panting women breaking through PGA security cordons and once by a female reporter screaming "Take me now!" and removing all her clothing. "I'd heard rumors of what those Bunker Betties will do you you, but… Wow. Just wow. You wouldn't even believe me if I told you." Meanwhile, former No. 1 Lee Westwood declined to comment on the matter and was last seen dejectedly phoning his wife to desperately beg her to let him come home again.
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