INDIANAPOLIS—Saying the decision would become effective immediately, The NCAA announced Saturday that it was suspending the Penn State football team another three years after remembering everything they did. “Holy shit, you know what, you guys are definitely getting suspended again for all that shit,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert, revealing that after the entire NCAA board suddenly recalled that high-level people throughout Penn State deliberately protected a child rapist for decades, the program would be banned from playing games until 2020. “I can’t believe we didn’t give you motherfuckers a lifetime ban to begin with. What the hell were we thinking? That’s some seriously fucked-up shit that nobody should ever get away with.” Emmert then added that there would be “no fucking way” the NCAA would hear any appeals from Penn state.

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