BOSTON—Having watched the Patriots win their fourth Super Bowl title in 14 years, sports fans across New England issued a thoughtful and introspective joint statement Wednesday announcing that they in no way deserve any of the success their teams have enjoyed over the past two decades. “When you stop and think about it, we’re loud-mouthed, we’re antagonistic, and we’re unbearably pompous, so there’s really no way we should have been able to enjoy four Super Bowls, three World Series, an NBA title, and a Stanley Cup since 2001,” read the statement in part, which added that “you can think of at least a dozen other fan bases off the top of your head” that would be far better served than Boston with teams that combined for nine different championships over the last 15 years. “The 2004 World Series was really the only thing that you could argue we had coming after waiting almost 100 years since our last one. But considering the way we angrily overreact to the slightest criticism of our teams—always brushing off even warranted criticism as jealousy or resentment—while also whining like crybabies about every little thing that doesn’t go our way, it’s hard to understand how we ended up in this spot. We’re obviously going to enjoy the win over the Seahawks, but let’s be honest here, we all know deep down that we don’t deserve this in the slightest.” At press time, residents of New England collectively decided that showing up to Wednesday’s Super Bowl championship parade would only perpetuate their utterly obnoxious and arrogant persona, leaving Patriots coaches and players to drive through the completely empty and silent streets of downtown Boston.

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