Following a spate of high-profile domestic violence cases involving the likes of Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, the NFL officially ratified a new personal conduct policy this week for all players and league employees. Here are some notable rules in the updated guidelines:

  • League to now use independent investigators to provide them with evidence to discard
  • Any domestic violence incident must be personally authorized by Roger Goodell at least 24 hours before the battery is to take place
  • Sexual assault and child abuse violations result in automatic six-game suspension, a stiff penalty that encourages players to commit crimes early in the year and be back in time for the playoffs
  • Teams required to report all conduct violations with same level of integrity used in their injury reports
  • Three to four cases to be adjudicated in London each year
  • Team owners subject to same standards of conduct as any other incredibly wealthy white businessman in America
  • All bets are off for Richard Sherman, who, should he ever mess up, is going down really fucking hard
  • 18-game regular season in 2015
  • Updated list of adjectives Roger Goodell can use to describe the NFL’s governance of personal conduct issues, including “comprehensive,” “thorough,” and “tough”
  • Implicit understanding that this is all bullshit

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