NEW YORK—Noting that the effort represents the future of professional football, league officials announced Monday that NFL geneticists are working to develop a completely ligament-free player. “We’re confident that in the near future, we will have elite NFL players without any connective tissue forming joints between their bones,” said NFL chief genomics researcher Edwin Davis, adding that the league’s ambitious $400 million research initiative aims to end such debilitating injuries as ACL and MCL tears by completely removing all ligaments from the human body. “Our initial trials have been quite promising, and our test subjects should eventually be able to run routes, throw, and catch, all while their bones are allowed to freely move or violently twist in any and all directions. Our hope is that this research will lead to both ligament- and tendon-free players by the 2040 season, but it’s still very early in the research process.” Davis added that he is also incredibly optimistic about the progress being made toward developing a concussion-proof player whose brain has no cognitive functions whatsoever.
More from The Onion