NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best interests of our players by just going ahead and prohibiting whatever CBD-based nonsense Gronkowski is peddling,” said spokesperson Brian McCarthy, clarifying that league officials had not conducted any formal testing before forbidding the substance, but were 100% confident in the dangers it poses to anyone who ingests it. “After reviewing Gronk’s claims about his ability to heal himself over the course of a summer, we had more than enough information to constitute an immediate, permanent ban. Even if it doesn’t affect or enhance players’ performance, we don’t want to take any chances. As far as we’re concerned, anything that Gronk promotes on Twitter can’t be safe for human consumption.” At press time, league sources announced that they were keeping their eyes on all that Tom Brady “TB12” shit just to be safe.
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