BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming their new extra-supportive workout garment represents a huge step forward for women in athletics, Nike unveiled a new sports bra Tuesday showcasing the absolute latest in breast-crushing technology. “Our new state-of-the-art FlattenX sports bra guarantees that your breasts will be not only supported throughout your workout, but virtually obliterated as this landmark design smashes them into total submission,” a Nike press release read in part, also detailing the newly formulated poly-blend fabric engineered to essentially vacuum-seal the human breast to the ribcage, leaving women unencumbered and streamlining their physique for more efficient exercise. “From jogging and powerlifting to yoga and pilates, the FlattenX guarantees that the existence of your breasts will never again pose a threat to your workout. If you’ve been let down in the past by sports bras that stretch or sag after just a few wear cycles, don’t worry—the panelwork of Nike’s flagship sports bra ensures that any and all breasts remain painfully constricted for hours, forcing wearers to call the fire department to come cut you out of it with the Jaws of Life.” The press release also teased the upcoming release of the Bae Constrictor, a new line of organ-warping women’s leggings; the Footbinder Alpha, a slimming women’s running sock crafted from spun copper and silk; and the Nike BreezeChute, a loose-fitting and breathable new series of men’s shorts.
More from The Onion