BEAVERTON, OR—In what the sportswear giant is hailing as a company-wide embrace of body positivity, Nike announced Tuesday it would introduce its first-ever size-inclusive mannequin, a hefty male figure eating a 12-inch hoagie. “We want everyone to feel represented when shopping at a Nike store, so now each of our locations across the United States will feature mannequins going to town on a wide variety of classic sandwiches, including roast beef subs, chicken parm heroes, and meatball grinders,” said company spokesperson Alexandria Wilt, adding that each mannequin would wear a mustard-stained Nike shirt matted with pieces of shredded lettuce and provolone, as well as a fitness tracker on its wrist indicating it had walked 17 steps to the fridge to grab a jar of mayonnaise. “Whether you eat sandwiches standing over the kitchen sink or prefer to let your hoagie rest on your torso while reclining on a couch, Nike makes gear for your lifestyle. We want customers to see themselves depicted in media associated with our brand, and we’re proud to celebrate bodies of all shapes and sizes as they hunch over all kinds of great subs.” At press time, Nike confirmed it had added a 32-ounce energy drink to the mannequin’s hand to address concerns the representation would be unrealistic without there being something for it to wash down the hoagie with.
More from The Onion