Illustration for article titled ‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowlem/em

ATLANTA—Begging for mercy while watching his arms wither and skin wrinkle, a rapidly aging Tom Brady cried out for an old crone Sunday as her spell began to wear off in the middle of Super Bowl LIII. “Please, wicked conjurer of misfortune, don’t do this to me now, all I ask is for another quarter of precious youth,” said the New England Patriots quarterback as his muscle mass quickly depleted, his bones grew brittle, and his hair turned a ghostly white before falling out in clumps. “This can’t be happening! You miserable hag, you promised me two more MVP seasons. After all I did for you! The talisman! You told me the blessing was eternal. You promised me youth, immortality! You promised!” At press time, a 141-year-old Brady informed Patriots management of his intentions to continue playing in the 2019 season.


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