‘Oh, God, What Have I Done!’ Cries Matt Patricia After Discovering Pencil Fused To Ear

Illustration for article titled ‘Oh, God, What Have I Done!’ Cries Matt Patricia After Discovering Pencil Fused To Ear

DETROIT—Grasping fruitlessly at the mound of flesh that had grown around the writing implement, former Detroit Lions coach Matt Patricia screamed, “What have I done!” Wednesday after discovering his pencil had become fused behind his ear. “They warned me. They warned me and I wouldn’t listen! Oh God,” screamed Patricia, who grabbed a knife in a panic and tried to cut away at the skin growing ever tighter around the pencil he had kept wedged behind his ear for years. “My wife begged me to take out the pencil once in a while, at least while I slept, but I was a damned fool. I can feel it digging deeper into my skull! I’m mutilated forever.” At press time, Patricia was taking solace in the fact that his grotesque new facial deformity will still never be as embarrassing as wearing a Lions hat.