SAINT-ÉTIENNE, FRANCE—Midway through Friday’s Euro 2016 group stage match between the Czech Republic and Croatia, sources confirmed that, oh good, the sound of an explosion that just echoed throughout the stadium was only a fan firing an enormous flare gun. “As soon as I heard that loud blast coming from somewhere off the field, my heart sank and I braced for the worst, but thankfully, it was only some guy in the stands shooting off a flare,” said 31-year-old Daniel Vargas of McLean, VA, adding that his brief surge of panic was assuaged after the announcer clarified that the noise emanated from a flare and not, as initially assumed by all television viewers, an explosion amid some kind of horrific terrorist attack. “I’m just relieved that all the smoke engulfing a quarter of the stadium wasn’t the result of anything that hurt or killed anyone. It’s just some drunk guy with a scarf wrapped around the lower half of his face firing a flare gun that he was apparently allowed to bring inside the stadium. That’s great to know.” At press time, Christ, another one just went off.

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