SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic, dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing. “After countless hours of sitting primly upon this graceful beast and coaxing her to prance about in sublime cadence, you’re telling me it’s all been a waste?” Merriweather said before ordering a stable hand to immediately cease brushing the elegant mane of her prize horse, Madame Amboise, and then firing him on the spot. “All those breezy, cloudless afternoons of daintily clip-clopping up and down this equestrian arena to absolutely nail the perfect piaffe—do you know how long that takes? My family acquired this animal when she was just a foal, and ever since I’ve worn this goddamn top hat and fancy coat as we’ve cantered through the meadows in the brisk spring air, working to make our half-pass maneuver just so. Now the IOC is saying I don’t even get to go to Tokyo and get a fucking medal?” At press time, sources confirmed Merriweather had told her former stable hand that he could collect his final paycheck just as soon as he had euthanized Madame Amboise with a gunshot to the head.
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