Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode

Illustration for article titled Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Caroming wildly around the locker room following the Super Bowl on Sunday, a panicked Marshawn Lynch reportedly informed teammates that he couldn’t figure out how to deactivate Beast Mode. “Help me, help me!” said the Seattle Seahawks running back as he stiff-armed head coach Pete Carroll and hurtled recklessly out of a stadium exit and into the parking lot. “Please, anyone, call the police! I don’t know what’s happening! This is beyond my control!” At press time, witnesses confirmed Lynch was sprinting at full speed eastward on I-95, with authorities confident that he would lose steam once he hit the Atlantic Ocean.

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