FOXBOROUGH, MA—A full week after a federal judge overturned his four-game NFL suspension, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady noted with alarm Wednesday that he has been physically unable to stop smirking since the court’s ruling. “I was obviously really happy when I heard the judge’s decision, but it’s seven days later and all the muscles in my face are still just stuck like this,” said Brady, grinning at reporters with visible fear and panic in his eyes. “Yesterday, my wife came home upset about something that had happened earlier, and I physically could not stop smirking the whole time she was talking. Even now, I’m trying with every ounce of my strength to just stop smiling, and I can’t. I don’t know what to do—please, God, someone help me.” At press time, after several hours of uncomfortable tossing and turning in bed, Brady had finally fallen asleep with a pained smirk still frozen on his face.

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