FOXBOROUGH, MA—Complimenting the first-year player for providing a valuable contribution to the quarterback’s needs, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick confirmed Wednesday that the team had brought up young rookie Travis Wofford from its practice squad to provide fresh blood for Tom Brady. “He’s been a bit tired these last few weeks, and we think Travis is going to provide just the healthy, nutrient-rich blood Tom requires,” said Belichick, adding that the Patriots first instituted the process in response to Brady’s slow start to the 2012 season, and now transfuse the blood of seven to 10 rookies per year to ensure the 42-year-old quarterback’s circulatory system is constantly flush with the young blood it needs to perform at a high level. “We’re excited for a guy like Travis to come up to the 53-man roster and take reps for a few days in between bloodletting sessions until his body is slowly drained of all liquid. Of course, we only want the highest-quality rookies who follow a strict diet and training regimen so that their blood is the healthiest. That means no junk food, no nightshades, and no taking days off. As long as we keep up the supply of rookies, Tom could easily play into his fifties.” Belichick added that the Patriots were already scouting a college wide receiver who could provide a nice pair of kidneys for Brady during the 2020 season.
More from The Onion