Illustration for article titled Performers Frantically Trying To Incorporate Spewing Sewage Pipe Into Rio Opening Ceremony

RIO DE JANEIRO—Looking around at one another with a mix of dismay and confusion while continuing their choreography, performers at Maracanã Stadium frantically attempted to incorporate a ruptured, spewing sewage pipe into the Rio Olympics opening ceremony Friday. “We knew billions of people around the world were watching, so once we saw that pipe burst, we just started making up a routine around it,” said 24-year-old Maria Santos, one of dozens of samba dancers who sashayed around the pipe and performed sultry hip movements while their elaborate feathered costumes were drenched in a torrent of human excrement. “It wasn’t easy, especially pretending like some of the dancers vomiting was part of the show. But once we all got our kicks in sync to the beat of the pipe spurting a mix of urine and shit, everything came together pretty well.” At press time, Games organizers were trying to continue smiling and clapping as they watched a sinkhole open up inside the stadium and swallow the Olympic cauldron whole.


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