ADRIAN, MI—Noting that the sad, pathetic little man stumbled upon the rebroadcast while absentmindedly flipping through channels Sunday evening, sources confirmed that local 28-year-old Jason Garner struggled to find a single reason not to watch a Big Ten Network airing of the famed 2006 college football game between Ohio State and the University of Michigan. “I’ve seen this entire game four times since I first watched it live, but right now, I’m not sure I can think of anything to prevent me from sitting here and doing it again,” said the utterly pitiful excuse for an adult, adding that the thrilling 42-39 game between the Buckeyes and Wolverines—which reportedly harbors absolutely none of the suspense or significance of the original matchup from nearly eight years ago—has thus far trumped every other possible thing he could be doing with his time. “I know for a fact that on this play, Michigan is going to run an inside handoff for about three yards, but here I am, watching it again. I mean, I’ve considered the work I have to finish up by tomorrow morning and the fact that I really need to head to the grocery store before it closes, but none of that is really enough to pull me away from this. At this point, I’m about ready to just accept that this is going to be the rest of my night.” Reports later confirmed that early into the first quarter, the feeble and completely hopeless Garner had reportedly convinced himself to record the rest of the game on his DVR.
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