HOUSTON—Laughing maniacally as he held the Lombardi Trophy above his head, a seemingly deranged and power-mad Matt Ryan declared Sunday that his team’s Super Bowl LI victory will mark the beginning of a 1,000-year Falcons dynasty. “The Atlanta Falcons will spend 10 centuries of glory ruling supreme over all the lowly peons of this pathetic league,” shrieked Ryan as he ripped the microphone from Terry Bradshaw’s hands and pushed the Fox analyst off of the trophy presentation stage. “Our triumph here tonight will reverberate for eons and eons, until the civilization that you know has been reduced to ash and dust and the new Falcons empire casts a shadow over every team and every player. God Himself will tremble before the Falcons’ inexorable dominion. One thousand years of Super Bowls! One thousand years of the Falcons!” Following Ryan’s speech, wide receiver Julio Jones told reporters that it felt great to finally win a Super Bowl and that the Falcons’ eternal throne will be built atop the blood-soaked bones of all their NFL rivals.

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