OAKLAND, CA—Quashing rumors that the team was looking to make an early exit for Las Vegas, the Oakland Raiders announced plans Wednesday to play the entirety of their 2019 home schedule in Head Coach Jon Gruden’s backyard. “This is really the perfect venue for this this team—in fact, I think playing in my yard will provide a unique home field advantage like nowhere else in the league,” said Gruden, adding that the proposed half-acre plot nestled in the Bay Area suburbs boasted a beautiful natural surface and enough improvised seating to accommodate dozens of hardcore Raiders faithful. “Make no mistake, this place is going to be rocking. I mean, I can’t wait to see Derek Carr out there delivering touchdown strikes from way up there on the deck. Plus, fans are just going to love the new amenities. We’ve made some room for the the Black Hole over there by the garbage cans. We’ve got 3.5 bathrooms and a crockpot full of chili in the house. Seriously, I don’t think there’s a better way to spend a Sunday.” At press time, several Raiders players admitted that despite the treacherous clothesline and exposed tree roots, playing in Coach Gruden’s backyard was still far preferable to games on a “goddamn baseball field.”

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