BAKERSFIELD, CA—Citing the frequent and unnecessary missives sent out at all hours of the day, sources confirmed Friday that the league representative from the company Bakersfield Sportz needed to cool it with all the emails. “Jesus Christ, this guy just sent us another fucking update on the league standings,” player Tyler Judson reportedly said to himself after reading the latest email, which, according to sources, was just one of six sent that week alone that included reminders to bring plenty of water and make sure they had enough players to field a team. “This guy needs to seriously slow his roll with all of these goddamn messages. Yeah, we know the game is on field two and that there’s a 20 percent chance of rain for the game. We all have an internet connection. I mean, holy shit, just relax buddy.” At press time, livid sources confirmed that the league organizer had begun sending out group text messages.

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