DALLAS—While under observation following season-ending neck surgery, Texas Rangers slugger Prince Fielder lamented to reporters Wednesday about the dismal quality of the hospital food that he has been consuming by the pound. “I’m not sure how they expect you to feel better when they’re feeding you tray after tray of this reheated garbage,” said the 30-year-old first baseman, bemoaning the heaping mounds of tepid, gravy-drenched salisbury steak; piles of bland baked potatoes; and hundreds of sugarless Jell-O cups that were carted into his room every few minutes when he rang his bedside buzzer. “The casserole they gave me yesterday was so nasty that I could barely wolf down all four pans of it. I'm so glad I can finally go home today and eat pound after pound of normal food.” Fielder added that he would never have agreed to go to the hospital in the first place had he not believed cervical fusion was a new type of delicious cuisine.
More from The Onion