NEW YORK—Slowly walking down the basement hallway as the ceiling’s fluorescent lights turned off row by row behind him, Roger Goodell quietly said goodnight to each of the legendary former NFL players whose bodies he had chemically preserved, sources confirmed late Wednesday evening. “Sleep well, my friends,” whispered Goodell, delicately placing a hand against the glass of a tank containing the corpse of Johnny Unitas perfectly embalmed in a green, viscous liquid, before then waving to the floating bodies of Walter Payton, Reggie White, and the entire 1949 NFL Championship–winning Philadelphia Eagles defensive line housed in the back of the hall. “I’ll see you again in the morning. I love you.” Sources confirmed that before exiting the room, Goodell took one last look at the empty tank intended for Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, emitted a deep sigh, and then shut the door.
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