SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy. “After conducting an exhaustive, years-long examination of the donated brains of deceased former players across a wide range of ages, our team confirmed that nearly all of them are covered in slimy, wet goop,” said lead scientist Richard Hurley, who explained that, of the 202 organs studied, a staggering 199 were “all mushy and slippery” when held, with 163 leaving behind some sort of gunk on their laboratory examination gloves. “In more than two-thirds of these cases, the corpus callosum was identified as a common point of goo buildup, acting as a trench between the two hemispheres for the sticky brain juice to pool up. Consistent across the vast majority of brains, however, was a coat of yucky glop that, universally, was sticky and gross to touch.” The study comes on the heels of a Boston University study, which found that 2 percent of NFL players’ brains could survive being accidentally stepped on after falling onto the laboratory floor.
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