ARLINGTON, VA—Noting that they are reproducing at an alarming and unprecedented rate, researchers from the National Science Foundation warned Friday that the planet cannot continue supporting the rapidly growing population of Gronkowskis. “We are quickly approaching the point at which any more Gronkowskis will be utterly disastrous for all life on earth,” said leading researcher Rebecca Davies, adding that large groups of the enormous, powerful, and overly aggressive Gronkowskis have already overrun much of Massachusetts and are now spreading across the United States. “The planet simply doesn’t contain the resources necessary to sustain all these Gronkowskis, especially given the incredible amount of food they consume in a single day. This situation will soon be irreversible, and we as a society have to do something about it before it’s too late.” Davies added that she fully supports new measures to hunt Gronkowskis in rural parts of the country in order to prevent them from encroaching on densely populated cities.

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