‘I Don’t Know, At Least We Didn’t Cheat,’ Says GM

Illustration for article titled Seattle Mariners Offhandedly Suggest Astros’, Red Sox’ Titles Be Awarded To Them Instead

SEATTLE—Repeatedly noting that they were just throwing the idea out there and not saying whether it was bad or good, the Seattle Mariners released a statement Tuesday offhandedly suggesting that the tainted World Series titles of the Astros and Red Sox could be awarded to them instead. “I know this is a tough, complicated situation where you can’t just give the title to the runner-up, which is why we think this might be a fun compromise,” said Mariners president Kevin Mather, who explained that while the Mariners were not even a playoff team those years, there was also no evidence that they cheated in any way. “We were right around .500—not great, not terrible—it would just be a nice, neutral gesture. There has never been a whiff of scandal around signals or PEDs with us. We are obviously clean, and I think maybe we deserve this. We even had our merch team mock up a banner and some ‘2017 World Series Champion’ shirts, and we think they look pretty good. I mean, why not, what is the downside?” Mather added that if the MLB was uncomfortable giving the title to a non-playoff team, they could retroactively award the 2001 Mariners the title instead.

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