‘I Don’t Know, At Least We Didn’t Cheat,’ Says GM

SEATTLE—Repeatedly noting that they were just throwing the idea out there and not saying whether it was bad or good, the Seattle Mariners released a statement Tuesday offhandedly suggesting that the tainted World Series titles of the Astros and Red Sox could be awarded to them instead. “I know this is a tough, complicated situation where you can’t just give the title to the runner-up, which is why we think this might be a fun compromise,” said Mariners president Kevin Mather, who explained that while the Mariners were not even a playoff team those years, there was also no evidence that they cheated in any way. “We were right around .500—not great, not terrible—it would just be a nice, neutral gesture. There has never been a whiff of scandal around signals or PEDs with us. We are obviously clean, and I think maybe we deserve this. We even had our merch team mock up a banner and some ‘2017 World Series Champion’ shirts, and we think they look pretty good. I mean, why not, what is the downside?” Mather added that if the MLB was uncomfortable giving the title to a non-playoff team, they could retroactively award the 2001 Mariners the title instead.


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