ANAHEIM, CA—Kicking himself for not considering the potential consequences of his hasty career decision, Shohei Ohtani told reporters Wednesday that he regrets not researching which teams were good prior to signing with the Los Angeles Angels. “Man, looking back, I definitely should have done a quick Google search for ‘good major league baseball teams’ or something like that, because this is a major waste of my talent,” said the Japanese baseball phenom who, despite being enthusiastically courted by several other MLB teams, decided to sign with the Angels after just assuming they were probably good since they are a big-market team. “This was just laziness on my part, and now I’m gonna regret this for a while. I mean, I’m in the prime of my career, I could have signed with anyone I wanted. At the very least, I should have asked someone, ‘Hey, are the Angels good or bad?’” Ohtani also told reporters that more disappointing than anything was discovering he was actually going to play in some shitty town called Anaheim instead of Los Angeles. 

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