BRISTOL, CT—Saying that he could not imagine going out in disgrace anywhere else, Skip Bayless reportedly signed a one-day contract Wednesday to be fired by ESPN. “ESPN is where I got my big break, and I’ve always considered it to be my true home, so I want to thank the network for letting me end my career here with this termination,” said Bayless, who sat next to ESPN president John Skipper while signing the contract consenting to go on a five-minute tirade slamming LeBron James as immature and wildly speculating that multiple NFL players were using performance-enhancing drugs before being summarily fired 24 hours later. “I went on some of my best rants here, and it’s truly a privilege to have one last opportunity to make an indefensible statement and offer a half-hearted apology. I always pictured myself getting fired behind an ESPN desk.” Skipper then praised Bayless after the termination, saying his baseless arguments, high-pitched screaming, and arrogant attitude had helped define ESPN for the last decade.

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