GLEN ROCK, NJ—Stressing that everyone is counting on them to win what they incorrectly assume to be one of the biggest games of the year, the Glen Rock Panthers soccer team is evidently under the impression that their high school’s football rivalries extend to them as well, sources confirmed Thursday. “We hate the [Lawrenceville High School] Knights and they hate us, so losing against them isn’t an option,” senior defender Nick Freeman said of the upcoming soccer match, which virtually no other student in the school is aware of and which, unlike the heated annual Friday night football game between the two schools, is scheduled for 4 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon. “People were really pissed when they beat us in the playoffs last year, so this is going to be payback. The games between us are always heated, and it’ll probably get pretty physical out there, but if you can’t psych yourself up for a game against the Knights, then you shouldn’t be out on the field.” At press time, the game had reportedly kicked off with a total of eight spectators watching from the sideline.
More from The Onion