Illustration for article titled Speedos New High-Tech Swimsuit

Swimmers wearing Speedo's new laser-bonded LZR racing swimsuit have set 35 records in the past few weeks. Here's how the LZR gives competitors the advantage:

Tightly compresses swimmer's body then squirts them across the pool

Perfect for standing in with a puffed-out chest and head cocked up and slightly to the left

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Emits series of low clicks to help wearer find edge of pool

Comes with free pool noodle

NASA-researched design would keep swimmer alive and well should Olympic pool ever hurtle into dark vacuum of space

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Covered in Crisco to reduce drag

Squeezes out all physical matter from swimmer until they become a Euclidean point with no magnitude, only position

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Powerful built-in scent glands attract rutting males as far as five nautical miles away

Wearing it allows you to find out who your real friends are, that's for damn sure

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