NEW YORK—Sitting silently cross-legged as the light breeze and rhythmic breathing focused his mind, ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith retreated to a tranquil, secluded fig tree on Tuesday to contemplate the meaning of the NFL’s first week. “The great mysteries of Baker Mayfield’s performance still elude me, I must focus my mind and calm my soul if I am to truly understand,” said Smith, who claimed that the answer to whether the Seahawks were real contenders was already inside of him and just needed patience to be unlocked. “Only through quiet meditation will these truths be revealed to me, and my week two picks will only result from the kind of clarity that comes from deep solitude. The NFL is filled with chaos and suffering, but the unburdened soul will parse out how it is all connected.” At press time, after hours of meditation, Smith’s third eye had opened and delivered to him the perfect rebuttal that would finally shut up that squirrely prick Max Kellerman.
More from The Onion