Stir-Crazy Nick Saban Builds Assistant Coach To Scream At In Quarantine

Illustration for article titled Stir-Crazy Nick Saban Builds Assistant Coach To Scream At In Quarantine

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Desperate to find an outlet for his frustration while recovering from coronavirus, Crimson Tide head football coach Nick Saban built an assistant coach Friday to scream at while in quarantine. “If we don’t straighten up on the next drive you’ll be back coaching nobodies at North Dakota State so fast,” yelled Saban, shoving his finger in the chest of the grass- and leaf-filled bag that comprised the coaches body after he called a play that resulted in a sack-fumble. “What the hell was that? Mac [Jones] had no time to throw the ball—not like those routes were worth a damn. Don’t give me that same stupid look you always do. You better make an adjustment at halftime.” At press time, the taped-together amalgamation of fabric and trash had been offered a new role as head coach at Michigan.

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