HOUSTON—Noting that the group has been constantly interrupted by cars slowly driving through searching for open spots, onlookers confirmed Saturday that several Texas A&M tailgaters outside NRG Stadium are playing a pathetic little game of pickup football in the parking lot. “Everyone’s just trying to walk to the game, but you have to pass this sideshow of these guys playing a mini–touch football game and then listen to one of them count down from five before blitzing the quarterback,” said 31-year-old Alex Bennett, adding that the seven middle-aged men—most of whom are wearing football jerseys and khaki shorts—are attempting to play a three-on-four game in the space between rows of parked cars. “They barely have enough room to play, so basically if they complete one pass, it’s a touchdown. And one of them accidentally hit the hood of a car with the football, which isn’t that surprising since they look like they’re each a few beers deep. Oh, and look, now they’re bringing in one of their little kids to even up the numbers. Christ.” At press time, the pitiful little spectacle had thankfully come to an end as one of their group’s girlfriends informed them that the burgers on the grill were ready to eat.

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