DALLAS—Providing injured players with the very best in amenities, individualized training programs, and exotic Mediterranean fruits, a team of bikini-clad women tended to injured wide receiver Dez Bryant in the Dallas Cowboys’ state-of-the-art rehabilitation grotto, team sources confirmed Thursday. “This place is amazing—I’ve got access to top-of-the-line PT equipment, and I’ve been working really closely with Candi on plyometric strengthening exercises so I can get back on the field as quickly as possible,” said Bryant, sipping on a flute of champagne while several tanned, scantily dressed female trainers carefully stretched his hamstrings. “Lately, it’s just been Tony [Romo] and me swimming laps in the lily pond every morning, and I usually lie out on those sun-bathed limestone rocks and use the electrical muscle stimulation machine to recover after my workouts. Oh, and the private massage area behind the waterfall is really out of this world.” At press time, a group of giggling, topless women had emerged from the rehabilitation grotto’s hot spring after finishing their daily afternoon appointment with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.

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