ARLINGTON, TX—Admitting that the billions of dollars needed to grease the wheels required a joint effort, the Texas Rangers requested Wednesday that taxpayers cover roughly 60 percent of bribes related to the construction of their new stadium. “Between contractors, vendors, and local law enforcement, there’s a lot of under-the-table costs here that we can’t take care of by ourselves,” said Rangers chairman Ray C. Davis, explaining that the team would need to spend millions upfront just to placate the Arlington city council before they could even think about lining the pockets of state legislators and construction crews. “We want to keep the team in Texas, but if the public can’t spare taxpayer money to cover the very real kickback costs, we might be forced to move to a more accommodating city. However, if voters do support the funding, we predict the new stadium will inject millions of dollars back in the local graft economy.” Davis also emphasized that the project would create hundreds of high-paying no-show construction jobs for the siblings of county officials.

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