WASHINGTON—During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie's Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S. Department of Guys at the Bar issued a scathing report on the state of Tiger Woods' golf game, declaring the 14-time major champion "washed up," his swing "for shit," and his putting ability "a fucking joke." "He's done," Assistant Secretary of Guys at the Bar Jake Shroyer said in his closing floor remarks, just before the committee ruled 11-0 that all that pussy fucked up Woods' chances of breaking Jack Nicklaus' majors record. "[Undersecretary of Guys at the Bar Edward] Davis over there was like, 'Just wait till he plays St. Andrews. He fucking tears up St. Andrews.' What do you think now, Davis? He sucks, right?" The Department of Guys at the Bar later issued a joint statement with the Department of Dudes Just Hangin' Out that Elin Nordegren was still hot as shit.
More from The Onion