MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Crediting his players for being wise enough to do what’s best for their health, Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo told reporters Saturday that this Spartans team was the best he’s ever threatened with violence. “In my 20-plus years at East Lansing, I’ve had the privilege of threatening to pummel some incredible players, but none of them have ever responded to my murderous rants like these guys,” said Izzo, who showered praise on the team for winning the Big 10 tournament, so he didn’t have to follow through on his promise to “choke them out” if they lost. “Whether I’m browbeating them at practice or vowing to kill their parents if they don’t get back on defense, I just know these guys are going to give it their all. I’ve promised to cut up amazing players from Jason Richardson to Denzel Valentine, but seeing how these guys play defense after I threaten to run them over with my car is truly something special.” At press time, Izzo enlisted the help of Spartan alum Draymond Green to give the team a motivational death threat before their Final Four game against Texas Tech.
More from The Onion