Chase Young (Ohio State), DE: Easily the best pass rusher in the draft, the 21-year-old defensive end is fueled by his belief that quarterbacks are hollow and filled with candy.
Joe Burrow (LSU), QB: An upstanding, mentally tough quarterback whose race can be sussed out by the adjectives used to describe him.
Jeffrey Okudah (Ohio State), CB: Considered one of the best cornerback prospects of his generation, Okudah will be a valuable addition to any defense that CAN’T STOP ONE FUCKING SLANT ROUTE, JESUS CHRIST!
Isaiah Simmons (Clemson), LB: Simmons is projected to be selected by the New York Giants with the 4th overall pick, or in the unlikely event he falls 251 spots, by the New York Giants with the 255th and final pick.
Tua Tagovailoa (Alabama), QB: The talented Tagovailoa regretfully is the only player in this draft class who is at risk of getting injured in the NFL, making him a uniquely bad prospect.
Andrew Thomas (Georgia), OL: The Bucs have their eye on Thomas, who will be best remembered as the big guy in the background of Tom Brady’s career-ending injury.
Mekhi Becton (Louisville), OL: The Jets’ reported interest in the OL has scared off other teams who initially thought Becton might actually have success in the league.
Jerry Jeudy (Alabama), WR: Not yet 21 years old, it would be irresponsible and reckless to try to make any kind of predictions about the future of such a young man.
Tristan Wirfs (Iowa), OL: One of the most athletic offensive lineman prospects in the draft, Wirfs has many physical traits that are wasted on a job that mostly requires backpedaling with your arms extended for three to five seconds.
Henry Ruggs III (Alabama), WR: Ruggs has electrifying speed, which could make him the next Devin Hester. Or he might be that guy who’s fast but sucks at everything else and gets cut before the season. Who knows? We’re just guessing here.
Jordan Love (Utah State), QB: A brilliant pick if the Patriots take him and a dramatic reach if anyone else does.
Michael Turk (Arizona State), P: The former Arizona State punter’s impressive 25 reps of the 225-pound bench press should position him well for the league’s new, extremely heavy football.
Javon Kinlaw (South Carolina), DT: Tape reveals an inconsistent player who would sometimes spend upwards of half of each game on the team’s sideline.