LONDON—Regretting all the time and energy they wasted caring for the grass lawn, the grounds crew at the All England Club in Wimbledon was reportedly frustrated Monday after learning about the existence of cement tennis courts. “This is painstaking work in the hot sun, trimming and watering every single day. Why didn’t someone just tell us we could pour out cement, paint on some lines, and be done with it?” asked head groundskeeper Neil Stubley, noting that to maintain perfect consistency, they had to aerate and fertilize the grass with scientific accuracy, all of which takes millions of dollars and thousands of hours of labor every year. “We’ve been doing this for decades, just assuming this was the way you had to make a tennis court, and nobody once bothered to tell us about cement. Do you know how temperamental soil is? Not to mention it gets worn down after two days of play and looks like shit. Next year, Wimbledon is going cement.” At press time, Stubley had grown even more furious after learning about the existence of indoor stadiums.

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